Why does my child appear green in this photo?
a) Poor natural lighting in our house
b) Because my iPhone camera has been on the “Process” setting for the entire year I’ve had it and I just realized it today
c) She’s about to vomit on my face
d) She’s an alien
Share what you see in the comments below! And be sure to start fights with your friends and family over it!
Well, Lily is now 5 weeks old, and we already have to rename her. We have no choice. Because she squirms. And grunts. A lot.
Squirmy McGruntsALot’s favorite time to do this is when she’s sleeping. Which wouldn’t be an issue, except that it kind of keeps Mom from “sleeping when the baby sleeps,” since I’m constantly rousing from my hard-earned slumber to look over into the bassinet, making sure she’s not hungry or being poked and prodded by alien abductors.
I took a video of it, but I’m too tired to figure out how to get it on here. So here’s one someone else put on YouTube of their kid squirming and grunting in his sleep. It’s pretty much the same thing Squirmy McGruntsALot does, so just go with it.
She’s clearly not the first baby to do this, but I feel like this isn’t necessarily “normal.” At least, no one warned me about this. It only seems to happen when she’s in “light” sleep, but that accounts for approximately 15 1/2 of the 16 total hours she sleeps each day.
I mean, I’ll take squirmy gruntiness over endless crying jags any day. But still. I’m tired.
Will she outgrow this? Or will poor Squirmy McGruntsALot stop getting invited to sleepovers when she’s older because her squirming and grunting weirds out her friends? Stay tuned.
OK, she’s been here for a few weeks now, but it turns out learning how to mom is kind of hard and takes a lot of time that most definitely interferes with your ability to sleep and blog.
But yes, I fulfilled my new year’s resolution at 9:40 p.m. Wednesday, Jan. 7, when I gave birth to Lillian Sage Franz, aka Lily, aka Lily Pad, aka No. 1 Munchkin, aka all the other silly nicknames we’re sure to come up with for her.
Turns out all the hard work and feeling like a zombie are worth it when you get to love and schmoodle a sweet little bug like this.
I’d like to claim I am a total parenting expert and am here to impart valuable advice, but I cannot. I will leave you with this little nugget of wisdom I’ve learned since Lily’s arrival: Projectile poop is not a myth. I repeat: Projectile poop is NOT A MYTH.
It is so, so real, and let me tell you: That shit can move. Once it strikes the first time — which will inevitably be during the middle of a 4 a.m. diaper change when you haven’t slept for eight days — you will live in constant fear of when it will happen again.
And it will happen again. If you’re lucky, you will have remembered to put a clean diaper underneath at the beginning, and it will block the poo’s main trajectory. If you’re not lucky, you will have forgotten to do this, and, well, let’s just say that projectile poop doesn’t discriminate when it comes to its targets.
That’s all the wisdom I have to impart for now. Once I have this whole parenting thing down in the next week or two, I’ll surely have more.
Well, our little munchkin was due to make her appearance into the world on Jan. 1, but, like her mother tends to, she’s running a little behind.
Since she’s dashed all hopes for a 2014 tax break or first-baby-of-the-year honors, she’s basically starting off her first year grounded, with about $1,000 already deducted from her allowance. That’ll teach her.
OK, not really. But I did hold a baby squirrel! One of Zach’s co-workers brought it into the office after she found it abandoned and helpless in her yard. So I had to go in and meet it, of course.
I thought maybe I shouldn’t hold it because I’m pregnant, and what if it bit me and turned our human baby into a squirrel baby? Or caused something that’s actually biologically possible, like infect us with a nasty disease? The co-worker assured me that she had taken it to the vet, who confirmed it’s disease-free, so I went for it. But if I do give birth to an actual squirrel, we’ll know why.
Apple released the latest iOS update for iPhone today. And, in what may be the firstest of First World Problems, it has everyone complaining about how much storage space is needed to download it. This means deleting a lot of useless apps and selfie duplicates.
Because I’m currently unemployed, I had a lot of time to really comb through my photos and only keep those nearest and dearest to my heart. Here are 19 I just couldn’t bear to part with.
1. This photo of me standing in front of a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s in a snowstorm
We’ve all done it.
2. This photo of Pancake in which it looks like she doesn’t have ears
We did not chop off her ears, I swear. She still has them. We are not bunny abusers. Please don’t report us to animal control.
3. This photo of a squirrel-shaped nutcracker
If you’re cracking your nuts with anything else … you’re doing it wrong.
4. This photo of me holding what I assume is a life-sized replica of Chewbacca as a baby
If my child’s head is this big, she’ll be living in my uterus indefinitely.
5. This photo of the face I made after getting the World’s Worst Haircut
6. This photo of when we met The Great Pumpkin
It was, like, really big.
7. This photo of when I made latkes because I like to pretend I’m Jewish around Hanukkah
The smell also lasted much longer than anticipated.
8. This photo of the time I totally nailed a Pinterest recipe
If someone tries to feed you food that looks like this, do not eat it. I repeat: DO NOT EAT IT.
9. This photo of Zach pretending to get stabbed in the eye with a dart
He kind of looks like he’s enjoying it …
10. This photo of a guy on the sidewalk dressed up as a giant bottle of shampoo
I just really admired his enthusiasm.
11. This photo of the time I spilled pho on my pants at lunch
If I don’t document these memories, who will?
12. This photo of blatant desecration of religious symbols in the workplace
It’s like this newsroom has never even heard of the First Amendment.
13. This photo of a lawn gnome a business donated to be a prize in an Easter egg hunt I used to plan
You would not believe the knock-down-drag-out that ensued between two fifth-graders battling over this coveted creature.
14. This photo demonstrating that many people do not understand appropriate use of quotation marks
Sooooooo … can I get some Fanta or not?
15. This photo of a guy on the sidewalk dressed as a Big Blue Blob
WARNING: If you are dressed up as anything — literally, anything — in public, I will stop and take your photo.
16. This photo of a delicious lobster dinner I enjoyed back in March
Back off. It could be the last one I ever get.
17. This photo of a cardboard cutout of my childhood hero, Scruff McGruff (Chicago, Illinois, 60652)
He’s the only thing that kept me from pursuing a life of hard crime.
18. This photo I took of Pancake in which she looks completely hammered
Jesus. It’s like I want someone to call animal control on us.
19. This photo of me touching the World’s Largest Purple Spoon (maybe)
I think they’re selling themselves short. This is probably the World’s Largest Purple Spoon, at least.
I suppose now that these images will live in perpetuity on the Internet, I can delete them from my phone. The emotional toll still might be too much though. Better play it safe and keep them this round.