Archive for May, 2010

28 May

In which I giggle at ‘Boner’

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me.

At work today, less than 24 hours before I hit the quarter-century mark, I was looking up an e-mail address to which I could send a newspaper a press release. When I found the page with contact information, I saw the last name of the editor was “Boner.”

Sounds about right.

And I giggled. Like a 13-year-old. Because I think that’s when I stopped maturing.

Then I giggled some more upon discovering that instead of the standard “firstname.lastname@newspaper.com” format everyone else had for their e-mail addresses, hers was something like “barb@newspaper.com.” Probably because her last name is “Boner.”

Then my boss walked by and called me “giggly.” I would have told him what  I was giggling at, except he was going on a food run and asked if I wanted anything, and I didn’t want to jeopardize my chances of getting a snack by telling him I was laughing at someone named “Boner.”

And you know what? I got my yogurt. Not the flavor I wanted, but I probably wouldn’t have any yogurt at all had I admitted to giggling at “Boner.”

So much for turning 25…

20 May

Keep cool, mah babies: Conan live!

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me, Life and Such.

As any self-respecting Squirrel Thoughts fan knows, Conan O’Brien is my hero, and seeing his show last week in Denver means I’ve crossed off one of the more important items on my “must do to make life complete” list.

Before seeing Conan live, I’d say my life was around 76 percent complete. Following the amazing experience I will now detail for you in (low quality) photos, I’d say the percentage has climbed to about 97.

(And I do sincerely apologize that these pictures aren’t better. My point-and-shoot camera sucks, especially in less than ideal lighting. But you can take comfort knowing that my actual experience was much better than the photos convey.)

The highlights:


Conan’s opening act. If you had to think of the last place this guy would be from, would you say… Montana? Because you’d be wrong. He randomly busted out an “I’m from Montana!” in the middle of his act, immediately met with cheers from myself and a surprising number of fellow audience members. Reggie Watts, represent.

Conan following the NBC/Jay Leno douchebags fiasco. Understandably depressed, he resorted to growing a beard and fattening up on Dorito/Crisco smoothies. The only way to recover from such a condition, really.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Conan’s first appearance on stage! Though it’s hard to believe, he looked even taller and string-beanier in person!

Conan unveils the show’s “spectacular, budget-blowing stunt.” Yep, that’s exactly what you think it is — the inflatable bat from Meatloaf’s 1978 Bat Out of Hell Tour!

So majestic. So regal.

Upon realizing how ridiculous it is, Conan immediately orders the bat be deflated.

One of the most awesomest aspects of the live show was Conan bringing back many of the characters and skits from his late-night gigs. Except that because of the aforementioned NBC douchebags, he doesn’t own the rights to them. So, though we had to say goodbye forever to the “intellectual property” that is the Masturbating Bear, we met a new, equally beloved character: the Self-Pleasuring Panda! (Which is just the Masturbating Bear with a new head. Take that, NBC!)

Speaking of NBC douchebags– er, I mean an “unnamed network CEO” — someone from the company dropped by to stroke his kitty and let everyone know that his channel has moved all the way up to No. 17 in the rankings since Conan left! Spoiler alert: The cat dies.

Conan rocking out on guitar.

Conan rocking out in the lavender paisley leather suit Eddie Murphy wore during his 1988 tour.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog!

The audience persuades Conan to kiss band member La Bamba. He was secretly into it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get pictures of the best part of the show — when Conan brought out the Walker Texas Ranger Lever. I was simply laughing too hard to take photos. (Though they laughed, the people sitting next to me were definitely not as into the whole thing as I was. I would have felt sorry for them if there were any acceptable reason for this.)

Do not fret though, dear readers, as the WTRL clips that originally aired on Late Nite are available on everyone’s favorite video-sharing site! The links, listed in order from favorite to most favoritest of all:

  • Dad scars son for life
  • The one where Walker aka Chuck Norris jumps from a helicopter into a convertible and punches the lady driving it in the face (I scoured the Internets for a clip of this one and just could not find it. So unfortunate.)
  • Haley Joel Osment’s ultimate non sequitur (though I probably shouldn’t have to, let me clarify: I do not think AIDS is funny. It’s the fact that it comes out of nowhere and Conan’s subsequent reaction that make it funny. So just keep cool, mah babies!)

By the time Conan (and Andy!) got through the last clip, I could hardly breathe, I was laughing so hard. Because nothing says comedy like child abuse, lady punching and incurable disease!

I did manage to pull it together in time for the return of …

Pancake! Oh, wait, wrong photo. But aren’t her wittle furry bunny feets the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?!

OK, let’s try that again: I did manage to pull it together in time for the return of …

The bat! (I thought the bat and his “teeth that look like flags from a used car lot” were really, really funny; I apologize if you don’t understand my obsession with it.)

Conan wraps it up with one last song. If I had been down one more row, I would have been able to reach out and high-five him when he ran through the audience. That’s OK though — it was still one of the greatest nights EVER!

19 May

Squirrel Thoughts: Your No. 1 source for mascot news!

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Squirrels/bunnies/mascots.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I promise that tomorrow I will have a post on my epic Conan adventure, with photos. A masterpiece such as this takes time. I’m working on it. For now, you can enjoy the following post on another obnoxious obsession of mine: mascots!

When I first saw pictures of Wenlock and Mandeville, the mascots for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, I was like, “What the F? These mascots are just one-eyed blobs of metal! There’s nothing cute and fluffy about that!” I’m pretty biased toward creatures of the cute and fluffy variety, so this was  a huge letdown, initially.

(Our London 2012 photo)

But then I watched this video about them, and they’re actually pretty awesome. I mean, what kind of  heartless brute could resist Wenlock posing like Usain Bolt? Totally adorbs! I’ve had such a change of heart that I even decided to be best friends with them on Facebook! (OK, we’re technically not “friends,” per se, but I am a fan. They’ll notice me some day!)

With all these exciting developments, I’m not sure I can wait another 799 days for the Olympics to start!

3 May

The Squires Family: Taking over the Helena IR

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me.

My mom recently called to tell me my picture was in my hometown newspaper, the Helena Independent Record (for all of your sakes, I hope the headline “Flight from Helena diverted because of passenger who said he’s an alien” is still the Breaking News alert when you click on the link.)

“Your picture is in the paper!” she exclaimed.

“I didn’t steal that Yugo! I was framed!” I replied.

“WHAT?!?”

“Nothing…” (despite giving birth to and knowing me for a quarter-century, my mom rarely understands my sarcasm.)

(Also, that part of the conversation didn’t actually happen, as I just now thought of that reply, because I usually think of witty replies/comebacks several days or weeks after I need them. I know that’s how it would have gone though.)

(And I only admit to this because, as someone in the running for No. 1 Squirrel Thoughts Fan/Most Frequent Squirrel Thoughts Commentor, I know my mom would’ve blown my cover in the comments section.)

(The rest of this post is factually accurate. I swear.)

“Umm, why was my picture in the paper?”

She went on to describe this:

Photos of the people who actually won were unavailable.

And before you ask, yes, I was in high school when that photo was taken, despite looking approximately 9-years-old in it. And, if you look reallyreally close, it’s also quite evident I’d recently lost a tooth. In high school. (I was a late bloomer as far as teeth are concerned, and when everyone else was losing their last teeth at 8 years old, I was just losing my first, and didn’t lose my last until high school, andit’skindofasensitivesubjectsojustBACKOFF!)

Then, a few days later, she sent me the link to this, a letter to the editor submitted by my dad (who, BTW, never goes by “William M. Squires” in real life, just in his curmugeonly-letter-to-the-editor life), a passionate reply to an apparent rash of letters complaining about Helena not being biker-friendly enough.

In case you couldn’t tell from the letter, my dad is an avid bicycler and will go to the ends of the earth to ride his bike everywhere/defend his decision to ride his bike everywhere even if it’s snowing/40 below zero/hailing kumquat-sized iceballs. As in, the following Calvin and Hobbes comic mirrors my childhood:

A typical blizzardy, subzero day at the Squires household.

All that stuff he describes in the letter? Yeah, he really does/has been doing that for basically all my life. And, much to the chagrin of my circa 1997-2003, desperately-clinging-to-normality self (I know — who was I kidding?), he does so while wearing Spandex.

I’m starting to seem a lot less weird now, aren’t I? (That last statement would be completely true if I hadn’t taken up running in Spandex as of late. Or if I hadn’t done any of the other things I’ve done in my life, ever. Hey, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my dad, it’s to quit resisting already and embrace my true self, even if that self is really, really random and weird. Hence: this blog.)

Anyway, I digress. I totally had a point when I started writing this, and it is this: the Spandex-clad Squires Family is taking over – first the Helena IR, then the world. Don’t pretend like you’re not scared.