Archive for November, 2010

23 Nov

Missoula schoolchildren are a bunch of sissies

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me, Life and Such, Politics/Society/Seriouser Stuff, Rants/Tips. Tagged: , , , , .

OK, maybe it’s a little unfair to blame the kids … they’re not the ones who canceled school, after all. But whoever did is a huge wimp.

I get that it’s cold and snowy outside, but this is nothing abnormal for Montana. Growing up in Helena, I never had one snow day during my 12 years in the system. Not ONE. And trust me, there were plenty of days that would have qualified in just about any other state.

I once dug my 1987 Honda Civic out of nearly three feet of snow and drove it uphill (both ways, mind you) to get to school. Took me the six hours that school was in session, but I made it, because I’m a Montanan, damnit. And we don’t freak out or come to a standstill or cancel school because of a little snow or sub-zero temperatures, like a g.d. Texan or something.

Until the Missoula County Public Schools decided to lead the way in the wussification of our state, anyway.

In fact, Helena has just as much snow today as Missoula (if not more), but the wind chill there is almost -30 (the actual temperature is -9), and they didn’t wimp out and cancel school.

The actual temperature in Missoula is a balmy 3 degrees above zero, for crying out loud! It only feels like it’s -16! And there’s what, maybe, maybe six inches of snow on the ground? Since when does that cause everyone to freak out and cancel life as we know it? This isn’t Seattle; we know how to drive in a few inches of the fluffy stuff.

That being the case, I have just one thing to say to the small to medium-sized children of Missoula: Buck up.

Slip on your little snow boots, your mitties, your fuzzy hats with the puffs on top, and deal with it. Like a real Montanan.

This dog can handle it, Missoula, so why can’t you? (NOTE: I’ve been told this is actually a North Dakota dog. They’re pretty tough, too.)

22 Nov

It’s not over yet, Griz Nation!

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Squirrels/bunnies/mascots.

All right Griz fans, I know this season was tough. We’re hardly used to losing one game in a season, let alone four.

And standing outside in 6-degree temperatures watching our beloved Griz (if that’s who were playing in those god-awful uniforms…) lose to the Cats at home? Worst. Day. Ever.

Half of Griz Nation is probably still in bed, commiserating the loss and the no-playoffs-for-the-first-time-in-18-years announcement. It’s been a rough couple of days.

But the good news is we still have a shot at the national championship. “But how is that possible, Squirrel? HOW?!” By voting for Monte in the Capital One Mascot of the Year competition, of course!

That’s right — Griz fans have done such an awesome job voting so far that Monte has moved on to the playoffs! This week, he’s up against defending champ Bearcat of Cincinnati. If he loses, he’s out, and our dreams of winning a national title will deflate for good.

I mean, if our football team is out of the running for a championship, we can at least vote our mascot to one, right? Right!

Let’s do this, Griz Nation. We Montanans don’t give up that easily when the going gets tough; we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps (or ballet-flat straps, in my case) and get the job done.

So vote. Daily. Or hourly. Or during every single free moment you have. Bookmark the website and vote whenever you’re just messing around on Facebook or I Can Haz Cheezburger or whatever site you frequent when trying to avoid productivity.

(Unfortunately, you MUST vote online for the rest of the contest, as the text-message option has been eliminated, so be sure to click on capitalonebowl.com several times a day.)

If you’re still not convinced we can do this, let me give you one last incentive:

I really am taller than him, I swear.

See that adorable little fella? That’s Mo. Mo is Monte’s little brother, who dreams of filling his big-brother mascot’s shoes some day.

All Mo wants for Christmas this year is for Monte to be the Capital One Mascot of the Year. Unlike the rest of his mini-mascot friends, he doesn’t want a Squinkie or an XBox 360 Kinect or a Sing-a-ma-jig or anything.  He just wants his big brother to win the championship.

Now, look into those big brown eyes and tell Mo you’re not going to vote for Monte every chance you get. Just try.

That’s what I thought.

11 Nov

Dear snakes: Please die

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me.

The other day (aka last month when I started writing this post but then forgot about it), I was enjoying a leisurely 10-mile jaunt on a riverside trail in Missoula.  One minute, I was on a nice  run along the waterfront on a beautiful and unseasonably warm October day, and the next minute, I was staring death in the face.

Why? Because I saw a snake. And I freaked out.

And by “snake,” I mean “glorified worm,” and by “freaked out,” I mean “screamed so loud everyone within a four-block radius could hear me.”

The worst part of this was that I’m usually prepared for these situations, because I typically carry my Snake Rock. That’s right, my Snake Rock.

High-quality Snake Rock

See, I’ve had this deep, ingrained fear of snakes (which would probably be classified as a phobia, since it often keeps me from doing activities I’d otherwise enjoy) since before I can remember. To cope with this fear, I do completely irrational things, like carry a rock in my hand for the duration of my two- to three-hour runs. (Though on this particular day, I figured it was late enough in the season that I wouldn’t have to worry about it … )

I figure that if I encounter one of these evil serpents, I can chuck my Snake Rock at it, jump and wave my hands up and down while screaming “OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!”, then turn around and sprint the other way before said serpent can swallow me whole. Infallible logic, if you ask me.

Which would be unfortunate — using my Snake Rock for its intended purpose, that is — because it’s not easy to find a good Snake Rock. There are several crucial criteria you want to keep in mind when in the market for a quality Snake Rock:

  • Size. You want the rock to be big enough to render the serpent immobile or, preferably, dead. However, you don’t want it to be so heavy that holding it weighs down an entire side of your body.
  • Shape. You’ll want a Snake Rock that’s slightly oblong — about a 3-to-4 ratio — so it fits snuggly in your hand and can be kept in throwing position at all times.
  • Texture. Since you’ll be carrying this rock for hours at a time, you don’t want it to be too rough, as it could cause some pretty nasty scratches. But a few jagged edges on your Snake Rock are good, because it’s possible the rock could then stab the snake to death when launched at it.

Now, you might think this is messed up. But you know what I think is messed up? The fact that snakes still exist. Seriously, no one likes snakes, except freaks who carry them around in their leather jackets. They’re scaly and legless and slither around in their icky legless bodies, just waiting to pounce on something more fluffier and innocenter. Like a bunny. A silly, wittle, baby bunny. Like this one:

I can notz be eatens by icky snakez?

Now, who other than a bad, bad, evil person could side with a a vile creature that would dig its fangs in and swallow whole a fwuffy wuffy wufferson like that?!?! Which is why snakes should just die. All of them. Now.

Do it for Pancake, snakes. Do it for Pancake.

8 Nov

Heil, Monte!

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Squirrels/bunnies/mascots.

(DISCLAIMER: I in no way condone the mocking of Grizzly Athletics, UM or the fair state of Montana. That being said, the following video is hilarious.)

Up next, straight from the If You Can’t Make Fun Of Yourself Then Who Can You Make Fun Of Department, is a video put together by someone affiliated with Eastern Washington University. And, despite my affliation to the video’s target, I have to say: Well done, Eastern Washington. Well done.

OK, comparing Montana to the Third Reich is a bit over the top, but I suppose comparing anyone you don’t like/disagree with to Hitler is hip these days. And listening to people speak in German is funny no matter the subject.

And I’m sure it’s really only amusing to those who follow Montana football or the Big Sky  Conference in general, and especially to those who hate the Griz for (usually) being so good. (If you don’t fall under one of those categories, here’s a rundown: Basically, UM has dominated the conference, brought in record attendance, been a threat for the national championship, yadda yadda, for the past 15 years. This is, ahem, an off year. And EWU recently put in some god-awful red turf.)

Without further ado, the video:

Just goes the show: When everything else is falling apart, at least we still have Monte.

Don’t forget to cast your vote this week!

4 Nov

In which Monte burns down the University Center

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Squirrels/bunnies/mascots.

So, you think your mascot is the coolest around? You think he/she/it deserves to be Capital One’s Mascot of the Year? OK, but only if he/she/it has a better fire-throwing dance than Monte.

A-like so:

What’s that? Your mascot doesn’t have a fire-throwing dance?

Oh. AWK-ward …

Yeah, OK, so those are actually glow sticks, but they could be flaming balls of fury if UM didn’t adhere so strictly to silly fire codes. Point being that since Monte is the only mascot in the field who can throw fire while dancing to a Jimi Hendrix song of the same name, he’s the only one who deserves to win the title. Please vote accordingly.