Squirrel Rant: But seriously, Facebook ≠ your g.d. diary

(EDITOR’S NOTE: This is part of an occasional series on Squirrel Thoughts in which Squirrel effectively, and hopefully humorously as well, blows her top about some inconsequential matter. Enjoy.)

If you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably right. Stop it. Seriously.

OK kids, here’s the deal. I posted this on Facebook a month or two ago, hoping that my “friends” guilty of the implied transgression would assume I was targeting them (I was), get the hint and knock it the eff off.

Unfortunately, they didn’t get it it. My feed is still bombarded with people musing about some dream girl they met but who will always be afraid to talk to, random hipster song lyrics that are vaguely directed toward someone whose life the perpetrator inevitably believes will be forever changed because they read them on Facebook, and a bunch of other personal shit that I really don’t care to hear from my best friend, let alone some random person I met at a party in 2005 who had the urge to become Facebook BFFs with me two hours later.

Let’s be clear here: the random family/pet/baby updates I enjoy. Especially the cute ones. It’s the “I’m really hurt by what you did but I love you and want to work it out and get married!” crap Facebookers post that blows my mind. Lock it up, people. Tell that shit to him, not Facebook.

Most of the time, I just defriend or “unsubscribe” from these people so I don’t have to put up with their moping B.S. But I want to do them a favor here that will help them out not only on the ‘Book, but in real life. Seriously, you’re only creeping everyone the eff out, which, judging by the diary entries you keep posting, is not going to help you out. You’re pissing us off, and you’re bringing us down. Stop it. Now.

And really, you’re life isn’t that goddamn bad. If you’ve got a goddamn roof over your head and you know where your next goddamn meal is coming from, you’ve got it pretty goddamn good. (Sorry, it’s the Christmas season, which obviously compels me to say “goddamn” all the time. My sincerest apologies to Jesus/God/Holy Ghost/Tim Tebow.)

Seriously, next time you have the urge to update the entire Facebook community (that’s some 800 million-plus, keep in mind), pick up a piece of paper and pen (hey, remember those?) and write it down. It might seem a little archaic , but try it. I bet if you take a good, hard look at what you wrote down, you’ll realize you don’t actually want those some 800 million people to think you’re that pathetic.

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