Keep cool, mah babies: Conan live!

As any self-respecting Squirrel Thoughts fan knows, Conan O’Brien is my hero, and seeing his show last week in Denver means I’ve crossed off one of the more important items on my “must do to make life complete” list.

Before seeing Conan live, I’d say my life was around 76 percent complete. Following the amazing experience I will now detail for you in (low quality) photos, I’d say the percentage has climbed to about 97.

(And I do sincerely apologize that these pictures aren’t better. My point-and-shoot camera sucks, especially in less than ideal lighting. But you can take comfort knowing that my actual experience was much better than the photos convey.)

The highlights:

Conan’s opening act. If you had to think of the last place this guy would be from, would you say… Montana? Because you’d be wrong. He randomly busted out an “I’m from Montana!” in the middle of his act, immediately met with cheers from myself and a surprising number of fellow audience members. Reggie Watts, represent.

Conan following the NBC/Jay Leno douchebags fiasco. Understandably depressed, he resorted to growing a beard and fattening up on Dorito/Crisco smoothies. The only way to recover from such a condition, really.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Conan’s first appearance on stage! Though it’s hard to believe, he looked even taller and string-beanier in person!

Conan unveils the show’s “spectacular, budget-blowing stunt.” Yep, that’s exactly what you think it is — the inflatable bat from Meatloaf’s 1978 Bat Out of Hell Tour!

So majestic. So regal.

Upon realizing how ridiculous it is, Conan immediately orders the bat be deflated.

One of the most awesomest aspects of the live show was Conan bringing back many of the characters and skits from his late-night gigs. Except that because of the aforementioned NBC douchebags, he doesn’t own the rights to them. So, though we had to say goodbye forever to the “intellectual property” that is the Masturbating Bear, we met a new, equally beloved character: the Self-Pleasuring Panda! (Which is just the Masturbating Bear with a new head. Take that, NBC!)

Speaking of NBC douchebags– er, I mean an “unnamed network CEO” — someone from the company dropped by to stroke his kitty and let everyone know that his channel has moved all the way up to No. 17 in the rankings since Conan left! Spoiler alert: The cat dies.

Conan rocking out on guitar.

Conan rocking out in the lavender paisley leather suit Eddie Murphy wore during his 1988 tour.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog!

The audience persuades Conan to kiss band member La Bamba. He was secretly into it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get pictures of the best part of the show — when Conan brought out the Walker Texas Ranger Lever. I was simply laughing too hard to take photos. (Though they laughed, the people sitting next to me were definitely not as into the whole thing as I was. I would have felt sorry for them if there were any acceptable reason for this.)

Do not fret though, dear readers, as the WTRL clips that originally aired on Late Nite are available on everyone’s favorite video-sharing site! The links, listed in order from favorite to most favoritest of all:

  • Dad scars son for life
  • The one where Walker aka Chuck Norris jumps from a helicopter into a convertible and punches the lady driving it in the face (I scoured the Internets for a clip of this one and just could not find it. So unfortunate.)
  • Haley Joel Osment’s ultimate non sequitur (though I probably shouldn’t have to, let me clarify: I do not think AIDS is funny. It’s the fact that it comes out of nowhere and Conan’s subsequent reaction that make it funny. So just keep cool, mah babies!)

By the time Conan (and Andy!) got through the last clip, I could hardly breathe, I was laughing so hard. Because nothing says comedy like child abuse, lady punching and incurable disease!

I did manage to pull it together in time for the return of …

Pancake! Oh, wait, wrong photo. But aren’t her wittle furry bunny feets the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?!

OK, let’s try that again: I did manage to pull it together in time for the return of …

The bat! (I thought the bat and his “teeth that look like flags from a used car lot” were really, really funny; I apologize if you don’t understand my obsession with it.)

Conan wraps it up with one last song. If I had been down one more row, I would have been able to reach out and high-five him when he ran through the audience. That’s OK though — it was still one of the greatest nights EVER!

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