Archive for the ‘Funny Things That Happen To Me’ Category

The day I lost my Fitbit and my legs stopped working

Fitbit meme

 

When I got to work the other day, I looked down at my wrist. To my dismay, my Fitbit was no longer on it. I frantically searched every inch of my office, hoping it had merely fallen off upon my arrival.

When that proved unsuccessful, I started backtracking my steps, all 1,200 of them that it takes me to walk the five blocks from my car to my office. I scoured the sidewalks, hoping to spot my slate blue wristband against the white of fresh snow. No dice.

So I tore apart my car while refreshing the Fitbit app on my phone, longing to see the magic word — “synching…” — pop up. Negative.

I walked back to work, head down, my eyes flitting across my path, just in case I’d missed it on the way out. Nothing.

If you are a fellow Fitbitter, you know how perfectly rational this reaction is. Because if you’re not obsessively quantifying every single step you take every single day, what’s the point of even walking at all?

I got back to my office and posted a pithy Facebook status about it.

Fitbit status

 

Then my husband commented.

Fitbit comment.png

 

As you can tell, my husband does NOT have a Fitbit. Because if he did, his takeaway from all this would not be “Good news – it’s slobber-proof.”

I replied with a comment that properly conveyed the gravity of the situation.

Fitbig reply

 

Then I hardly got up the rest of the day.

 

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#tbt to the time my mom tried to make me look like Hitler

My mom sent me this photo the other day, because she thinks it proves Lily looks like me.

Me Lily

         Me                                                                                                      Lily

I think it proves she tried to make me look like Hitler when I was a baby.

Me Hitler

           Me                                                                                                         Hitler

The resemblance is uncanny, amirite? I mean, with that choice of hairstyle, I’m not sure why she didn’t just draw the Fuhrer’s mustache on me and get it over with.

When I showed this photo to my husband and told him my mom thinks I look like Lily in it, he — without any provocation — replied, “Hmm. You look like Hitler.”

My mother, of course, vehemently denied any wrongdoing.

Convo 1

Convo 2

I think we all know which one of us is truly off her walker.

19 photos I couldn’t bear to delete to make room for the iOS8 update

Apple released the latest iOS update for iPhone today. And, in what may be the firstest of First World Problems, it has everyone complaining about how much storage space is needed to download it. This means deleting a lot of useless apps and selfie duplicates.

Because I’m currently unemployed, I had a lot of time to really comb through my photos and only keep those nearest and dearest to my heart. Here are 19 I just couldn’t bear to part with.

1. This photo of me standing in front of a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s in a snowstorm

BOB'S

We’ve all done it.

***

2. This photo of Pancake in which it looks like she doesn’t have ears

Pancake no ears

We did not chop off her ears, I swear. She still has them. We are not bunny abusers. Please don’t report us to animal control.

***

3. This photo of a squirrel-shaped nutcracker

Nutcracker

If you’re cracking your nuts with anything else … you’re doing it wrong.

***

4. This photo of me holding what I assume is a life-sized replica of Chewbacca as a baby

Chewie

If my child’s head is this big, she’ll be living in my uterus indefinitely.

***

5. This photo of the face I made after getting the World’s Worst Haircut

Bad haircut

It kind of made me look like Toad from Super Mario. Or a literal squire.

***

6. This photo of when we met The Great Pumpkin

Giant pumpkin

It was, like, really big.

***

7. This photo of when I made latkes because I like to pretend I’m Jewish around Hanukkah

Latkes

The smell also lasted much longer than anticipated.

***

8. This photo of the time I totally nailed a Pinterest recipe

Pinterest fail

If someone tries to feed you food that looks like this, do not eat it. I repeat: DO NOT EAT IT.

***

9. This photo of Zach pretending to get stabbed in the eye with a dart

Dart

He kind of looks like he’s enjoying it …

***

10. This photo of a guy on the sidewalk dressed up as a giant bottle of shampoo

Shampoo

I just really admired his enthusiasm.

***

11. This photo of the time I spilled pho on my pants at lunch

Pho

If I don’t document these memories, who will?

***

12. This photo of blatant desecration of religious symbols in the workplace

Religious discrimination

For those of you who also like to discriminate against “other” religions, this is a menorah and a miniature Festivus pole.

It’s like this newsroom has never even heard of the First Amendment.

***

13. This photo of a lawn gnome a business donated to be a prize in an Easter egg hunt I used to plan

Gnome

 You would not believe the knock-down-drag-out that ensued between two fifth-graders battling over this coveted creature.

***

14. This photo demonstrating that many people do not understand appropriate use of quotation marks

Quotes

Sooooooo … can I get some Fanta or not?

***

15. This photo of a guy on the sidewalk dressed as a Big Blue Blob

Blue guy

WARNING: If you are dressed up as anything — literally, anything — in public, I will stop and take your photo.

***

16. This photo of a delicious lobster dinner I enjoyed back in March

Lobster

Back off. It could be the last one I ever get.

***

17. This photo of a cardboard cutout of my childhood hero, Scruff McGruff (Chicago, Illinois, 60652)

McGruff

He’s the only thing that kept me from pursuing a life of hard crime.

***

18. This photo I took of Pancake in which she looks completely hammered

Drunk Pancake

Jesus. It’s like I want someone to call animal control on us.

***

19. This photo of me touching the World’s Largest Purple Spoon (maybe)

Spoon

I think they’re selling themselves short. This is probably the World’s Largest Purple Spoon, at least.

 

I suppose now that these images will live in perpetuity on the Internet, I can delete them from my phone. The emotional toll still might be too much though. Better play it safe and keep them this round.

A fancy owl is teaching me French and sometimes I make him cry

I recently took up French lessons via the wonders of technology, aka the Duolingo iPhone app, and now a fancy little owl pops up on my phone every day, nagging me to conjugate verbs and learn why the French spell their words with so many letters they never seem to pronounce.

Gustave

 

This is my owl. I’ve named him Gustave. I sometimes feel like he’s looking down on me with that snooty monocle, smoking jacket and moustache. I guess I really shouldn’t criticize him for being fancy though, since I’m the one who made him that a way by using my points to buy him his “accoutrements,” which means “pretentious owl clothes” in French.

Sometimes I get more than three answers wrong, and this makes Gustave cry.

Cry

 

He cries so much that a puddle of his tears starts to pool at his feet. I feel this is abnormal for an owl, even a French one.

My mistakes also apparently lead him to inexplicably strip off his “accoutrements.” You mis-conjugate a few verbs, and the damn bird starts taking off all his clothes. It’s weird. It’s possible Gustave has some deep-seated psychological issues he will slowly start sharing with me as our lessons continue. It could get super awk.

I’ve also decided to take Pancake along on my linguistic journey, because I think they eat a lot of rabbits in France, so if she every gets bunnynapped by a gang of Frenchmen, perhaps they will have mercy and not cook her if she can speak their language. Plus, who in their right mind would cook a magical talking rabbit?  Not even the French.

In fact, she can already say “Je m’appelle Le Crepe!” Well, I can say it in a voice imitating what I think hers would sound like if she could talk, which is pretty much the same thing. Viva Le Crepe!

We had some visitors and now our bunny might be Mormon

So this conversation happened today:

 

Mormons 1

Mormons 2

 

So, yeah. Pancake might be Mormon now. It’s hard to tell. Because she’s a bunny. And I decided when we first got her that she is Jewish. But whatever, her religion is her choice, not mine.

(In case people get the sensies about this: I mean no offense to Mormons in general or the particular Mormons who stopped by, who were perfect gentlemen and at least pretended to be interested as I rambled on about my pet rabbit even though I’d just told them I had no desire to learn more about their faith. I know a lot of Mormons and though I don’t agree with many of their beliefs, they’re all genuinely nice people. Their particular religion just isn’t my “jam,” as the kids would say.)

(As I wrote that, I realized it sounds a lot like when racist people say they can’t be racist because they have a black friend. Oh well, I stand by it. ‘Merica.)

Hey jerk, that’s my credit card, not yours

I woke up Saturday morning to an unpleasant email alerting me to “fraudulent activity” regarding my credit card.

Sure enough, some punk got a hold of my info and tried to buy about $500 worth of merchandise from NewEgg.com, which appears to be a tech/gaming site I’ve never heard of because I’m a devout member of the Apple Cult.

The second purchase, which totaled $10, simply appeared on my statement as “Roman Catholic Church.”

Now, I’ve never tried to purchase anything with a stolen credit card, so I’m not familiar with the logic used when one attempts to do such a thing. But it appears the perpetrator figured dropping $500 in someone else’s money on sweet games, like Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare, wouldn’t look quite as suspicious if he also made a donation in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Or perhaps the guilt of stealing someone else’s credit card kicked in right away, so he did what he thought Jesus would do, but he confused Jesus with some douche who takes other people’s stuff without asking and then gives a tiny bit of it to someone who already has a shit-ton of stuff.

Pretty sure Jesus would think stealing someone else's credit card info is a real dick move.

I’m no scripture expert, but I’m pretty sure Jesus would consider stealing someone else’s credit card a real dick move.

asdf

Whatever his reasoning, the jig was up before it really even started, since the company caught him in the act and canceled my card. Sorry, dude, but you won’t be pitting the undead against Venus fly traps or buying your way into heaven on my dime.

asf

It's good to know the plants will be on our side when the Zombie Apocalypse commences.

A scene from Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare. It’s good to know the plants will be on our side when the Zombie Apocalypse commences. That was keeping me up at night.

If you invite me to your wedding, there’s a .009 percent chance I’ll ruin it with my face

One of my bestest friends got married a few weeks ago, and she graciously asked me to be in her wedding. The ceremony and reception were beautiful, and we had a blast taking fun photos before the celebration began.

I haven’t seen the official photos yet, but I really hope they turn out better than the ones I took in the photo booth with my husband and other bestie:

New photo booth with text

Sadly, because I’m not drinking right now, I truly have nothing to blame but my own face for this. And possibly my apparent confusion as to how photo booths operate. Yeah, let’s go with that.

I mean, I can take a decent photo when I need to, but I’m not going to claim to be the most photogenic person around. I’ve definitely taken my fair share of unflattering photos. But man, this … this should be deleted from the files immediately. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Then why are you putting it on the Internet?)

Or …

break

Or …

break

BLOWN UP AND SIZED TO FIT THE COVER OF THE OFFICIAL WEDDING ALBUM!

Ben and Lindsey: I can finish this up and have it shipped overnight in no time. You're welcome. So, so welcome.

Ben and LD: I’m finishing this up and will have it shipped overnight.
You’re welcome. So, so welcome.

If that doesn’t say “cherished keepsake documenting the happiest day of our lives,” I don’t know what does.

And since wedding season is coming up, I’ll give the engaged folks out there fair warning: If you invite me to yours, there’s at least a .009 percent chance that I’ll make this face again and ruin the whole thing.

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