Dear snakes: Please die

The other day (aka last month when I started writing this post but then forgot about it), I was enjoying a leisurely 10-mile jaunt on a riverside trail in Missoula.  One minute, I was on a nice  run along the waterfront on a beautiful and unseasonably warm October day, and the next minute, I was staring death in the face.

Why? Because I saw a snake. And I freaked out.

And by “snake,” I mean “glorified worm,” and by “freaked out,” I mean “screamed so loud everyone within a four-block radius could hear me.”

The worst part of this was that I’m usually prepared for these situations, because I typically carry my Snake Rock. That’s right, my Snake Rock.

High-quality Snake Rock

See, I’ve had this deep, ingrained fear of snakes (which would probably be classified as a phobia, since it often keeps me from doing activities I’d otherwise enjoy) since before I can remember. To cope with this fear, I do completely irrational things, like carry a rock in my hand for the duration of my two- to three-hour runs. (Though on this particular day, I figured it was late enough in the season that I wouldn’t have to worry about it … )

I figure that if I encounter one of these evil serpents, I can chuck my Snake Rock at it, jump and wave my hands up and down while screaming “OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!”, then turn around and sprint the other way before said serpent can swallow me whole. Infallible logic, if you ask me.

Which would be unfortunate — using my Snake Rock for its intended purpose, that is — because it’s not easy to find a good Snake Rock. There are several crucial criteria you want to keep in mind when in the market for a quality Snake Rock:

  • Size. You want the rock to be big enough to render the serpent immobile or, preferably, dead. However, you don’t want it to be so heavy that holding it weighs down an entire side of your body.
  • Shape. You’ll want a Snake Rock that’s slightly oblong — about a 3-to-4 ratio — so it fits snuggly in your hand and can be kept in throwing position at all times.
  • Texture. Since you’ll be carrying this rock for hours at a time, you don’t want it to be too rough, as it could cause some pretty nasty scratches. But a few jagged edges on your Snake Rock are good, because it’s possible the rock could then stab the snake to death when launched at it.

Now, you might think this is messed up. But you know what I think is messed up? The fact that snakes still exist. Seriously, no one likes snakes, except freaks who carry them around in their leather jackets. They’re scaly and legless and slither around in their icky legless bodies, just waiting to pounce on something more fluffier and innocenter. Like a bunny. A silly, wittle, baby bunny. Like this one:

I can notz be eatens by icky snakez?

Now, who other than a bad, bad, evil person could side with a a vile creature that would dig its fangs in and swallow whole a fwuffy wuffy wufferson like that?!?! Which is why snakes should just die. All of them. Now.

Do it for Pancake, snakes. Do it for Pancake.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. […] for providing its basic needs, and it deserves your love and affection, as any living creature, except a snake, does. But Sky Mall is pushing it too far. Case in point: The Urban Vogue Pet […]

    Reply

  2. […] avoid their deathly embrace by turning around before I encroach on their territory. And, of course, I always keep my trusty Snake Rock with me, just in […]

    Reply

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