Do you have trouble falling asleep night after night?
Does your mind start to race as soon as your head hits the pillow, no matter how tired you are?
Are the Ambien-induced hallucinations finally starting to freak you out?
Well, we here at Squirrel Thoughts Industries have finally discovered the secret to falling asleep quickly and easily: Have a Baby™!
Our patented Have a Baby™ technology will leave you so physically and mentally exhausted, your brain will have no choice but to shut down and drift off into sweet, sweet slumber mere minutes after you collapse into bed.
Under no circumstances will you wake up feeling well-rested and refreshed while using Have a Baby™ — you’ll get far less sleep than before, actually. But hey, at least you won’t lie awake all night worrying about it!
Have a Baby™ will allow you to fall asleep anywhere, anytime! [Image source: UberHumor.com]
Side effects of Have a Baby™ may include:
- Miniature human dependent on you for survival infiltrating your home
- Taking a quick nap while nursing miniature human dependent on you for survival
- Waking up two to 3 billion times per night
- Taking a quick nap in the shower and/or on the bathmat in front of the shower
- Pulling a Costanza at work by napping under your desk*
- Taking a quick nap on your way to the office coffee pot after you wake up from your nap under your desk
- Rapidly falling into REM sleep, which may cause weird dreams that involve Billy from Family Circus chasing you through your high school
- Taking a quick nap during the therapy you need after dreaming that Billy from Family Circus was chasing you through your high school
- Decreased effectiveness once baby starts sleeping through the night** because OH GOD IS SHE STILL BREATHING?!!?!
- Taking a quick nap while blogginZZZZZZZZZZZZdifjadsre;s e
- Heart exploding due to overflow of love and affection every time miniature human dependent on you for survival smiles or coos at you
My personal miniature human dependent on me for survival
Squirrel Thoughts 