I’m addicted to prescription sleep meds. And. It’s. AWESOME!

As I write this, I’m lying in bed, approximately five minutes after popping a generic-brand Ambien. Which means I could fall asleep at any moment, something that until recently I’ve never been able to say.

Since the tender age of 9, I’ve wrestled with bouts of insomnia. When you’re 9 years old and your parents tell the doctor you can’t fall asleep until 3 a.m., there’s not a whole lot he can do. Because 9-year-olds don’t have insomnia. Kids that age can’t even handle a few rounds of Red Rover before passing out from exhaustion at 8 o’ clock, unless maybe they’re hopped up on Sour Patch Kids and Yoo-hoo.

A more common occurence than previously thought?

So, when my parents presented my pediatrician with this conundrum, he eyed them suspiciously, as if thinking, “Hmm. She’s perfectly healthy, and her parents don’t look like meth heads. Her father appears to be wearing an inordinate amount of Spandex, but that’s probably not cause for concern … Welp, I got nothin.'”

“Uhhh, have you tried giving her warm milk?” (FYI — warm milk is the lamest, most ineffective “cure” for insomnia ever. Anyone who says it’s worked for them is an amateur.)

Since then, I’ve tested every trick in the book to combat this sleeplessness: Benedryl, melatonin, slices of honey-smoked turkey, late-night TV (the good: Conan. The also good but I probably shouldn’t admit I enjoy watching them bad: infomercials), etc., etc. Some worked for a while, but lost their effectiveness after a few months. Others worked like a charm, but I was hardly able to hold my eyelids open the next day, rendering useless the eight hours of “a good night’s sleep.”

(EDITOR’S NOTE: It was about this time last night that I started writing a shit-ton of Ambien-induced gibberish. Seriously, I’m pretty sure I made a “joke” involving the juxtaposition of the words “yawny” and “Yanni,” to the effect of “Ambien makes me feel sleepy and relaxed, not in a yawny kind of way, but in a YANNI kind of way! HAHAHAHAHA” I also recall using the caps lock key with reckless abandon and finding it HILARIOUS.

However, I woke up this morning to discover this part of the draft had disappeared. FOREVER. So, the question now is: Did this actually happen? Or did I just imagine it happened while in the pre-slumber state of delirium brought on by prescription-strength sleep aids? We’ll never know for sure. What we do know is it’s a serious blow to humanity that this pristine prose was not preserved.)

Despite the fact it’s extremely habit-forming (which is why I held off so long on prescription sleep meds in the first place) and apparently induces hallucinations, Ambien is AWESOME. I take one before bed, conk out before I even have a chance to turn off the light, then feel alert and well-rested in the morning. I didn’t know it was possible to sleep like that!

Are the hallucinations cause for concern? Probably. Is it worth giving up the best sleep ever? Hell no! Go Ambien! Go LIFE! Whoo!!!

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