Squirrel Thoughts

I take the city bus to get to my job at the University of Montana. I do this for myriad reasons, including but not limited to:

• Refusal to pay for a $200 pass needed to park on campus, which doesn’t even guarantee me a g.d. spot since they sell about 1,000 more passes than there are spaces.
• Sparing the lives of those who would otherwise perish due to my uncontrollable road rage.
• Saving money on gas so I can put it toward more important things, like squirrel earrings.
• The smug sense of self-righteousness to which I’m entitled for single-handedly saving the planet, etc.

However, I recently encountered two disturbances that could change my bus-ridership forever.

About a month ago, a new driver started maneuvering Route 11, the first bus I hop on in the morning. He seemed familiar the first time I saw him, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He wasn’t familiar in an “evoking fond memories of a long-lost pal” sort of way, but in more of a “you’re kind of creeping my shit but what the hell, I’ll still get on this bus you’re driving” sort of way.

I let this CONSUME MY MIND for about 20 seconds, then never really thought about it again.

Also bad for the bald community.

Until today. Because today, it dawned on me: “That bus driver totally looks like the sex offender who moved into Larry’s neighborhood on ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’!!”

OK, so once I got over the initial repulsion, this really wasn’t that big of a deal, and I resumed my routine bus ride.

But then, Grandma Man got on.

That’s right, Grandma Man.

In the days of yore (high school), instead of doing back-to-school shopping at Helena’s shit-tastic mall, we would drive two hours to shop at the one in Missoula, which is only slightly less shitty but it has an Abercrombie so duh! it’s really awesome!

Anyway, Grandma Man is the less-than-affectionate nickname we gave to the old man who dresses up like an old woman and sits near the food court and draws people as they walk by. (A staple at any shopping mall, really.) And because he’s an old man who dresses up like an old woman and sits near the food court and draws people as they walk by, he’s creepy as shit.

And though I had once deemed it impossible, it turns out Grandma Man can be even creepier. Like when he gets on your bus and starts talking to you but he has no teeth so you really can’t understand what he’s saying so you just smile and nod and say “yes, uh huh” and then you look a little closer and realize that maybe Grandma Man isn’t actually a man at all just an old lady who kind of looks like a man so maybe you’ve had shim wrong all these years or then you think that maybe this isn’t Grandma Man after all and you’ve just mistaken a mannish old woman for a mannish old man who dresses like a mannish old woman.

And then you get to your stop and GET THE FUCK OFF that bus.