Put the razor down. Now.

Last night, a pretty epic Beardpocalypse went down when, after weeks of threatening, Will Ferrell shaved off Conan’s beard on his show. After more than a year with his scraggly addition, Conan’s back to the baby-faced self to which most fans are accustomed.

And I have to admit, I’m a little uncomfortable with it.

For some reason, men shaving off their facial hair really freaks me out.

If this guy shaves, I’m going to LOSE it.

Well, I know the reason, actually. When I was 4 or 5 years old, my mom, after years of begging, finally persuaded my dad to shave off his Ned Flanders-style mustache. But when he first came out of the bathroom to show everyone, I started bawling uncontrollably because I didn’t recognize the “mean man who kind of looks like daddy but isn’t and NO THAT’S NOT MY DADDY WHERE IS MY DADDY?!??!!?!”

From that moment, I couldn’t look at my dad without bursting into tears, and he had to regrow the mustache in order to have a somewhat normal relationship with his daughter. He didn’t shave it off again until I was 17.

Apparently, this incident scarred me for life, because I’ve had a weird issue about men changing their facial hair ever since. It doesn’t have to be someone I’m particularly close to: One time a co-worker, who had sported a beard/mustache combo the entire time I worked with him, walked into the office bare-faced. I did a double-take and shrieked “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!?” at him, in front of everyone. He did not appreciate it.

I thought I’d grown out of it a few months ago when Zach shaved off the tiny bit of goatee remaining on his chin, as I only exclaimed — rather than shrieked — those same words to him. But the Conan incident has me thinking I may never fully recover.

Basically, if you’re a male capable of growing facial hair who might cross paths with me someday, I advise against growing a fu manchu or jackass porn-star-looking mustache. Unless you want me to ask you what’s wrong with your face, you’ll need to sport it for a while.

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