Squirrel Thoughts

OK, I know this whole Conan situation really isn’t important in the scheme of things. And even though I expected it, I’m still pretty distraught after hearing that the final “Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” will air Friday.

Conan: My most favoritest person I haven’t met

As I said in a previous post, I’ve been a fan of Conan for about 12 years. As a teenager, I had a lot of anxiety — which led to insomnia — and Conan made me laugh and feel better during many a sleepless night. After all, you really can’t feel that bad after watching some tall, gangly redhead egg on Martha Stewart as she scarfs down a burrito and chugs an Olde English 800 (sadly, I could not find a clip of this on the Internets).

So, as pathetic as it sounds, I have a real emotional attachment to Mr. O’Brien, and watching all this seemingly silly drama unfold breaks my little squirrel heart. Yes, Conan — and the staff he’s looking out for — will be fine; you really can’t complain about a $45 million severence package. And he’ll hopefully sign a deal with FOX or another network by September.

It still just seems unfair to me. It’s like the awkward, quirky yet endearing nerd in high school finally getting to go on a date with his dream girl, only to have the popular jock steal her back before he’s had a real chance to woo her.

And yeah, I’ve heard all the crap about how Leno’s being made to look like the bad guy in all of this and how it’s unfair to him, blah, blah. But if Leno really is a good, classy guy — like Conan has proved to be — then why doesn’t he just step aside and let his successor take the reins of the show he supposedly loves? Because all he cares about is himself and money/cars and making fun of stupid people on the street, that’s why. Seriously, if I ever see that guy in person, I’m going to punch him right in that big, ugly chin of his. Not that my miniscule fist will even make a dent in that thing, but it’ll make me feel better.

Yeah, this photo probably belongs to NBC, but I really don’t give a shit.

Anyway, back to Conan. I mean, I really just love that guy. He’s tall and awkward with funny red hair, not your typical show-biz guy at all. But he’s learned to love those quirks, and the rest of America (well, the non-douchey ones, anyway) have come to love him, too.

It sounds corny, but we can all learn a lot from Conan. He doesn’t take himself too seriously, but he’s grateful for all he has and uses his good fortune to support worthwhile causes. Sure, he dishes it out when he makes fun of people on his show, but he can definitely take it, too. And he stands up for himself and those he cares about when he knows they aren’t being treated with respect, and he does it with class. (OK, you can argue that his recent NBC bashing isn’t all that classy, but those jerk stores deserve it, as far as I’m concerned.) Plus, I heard a rumor he stayed at Paws Up on vacation last summer (yeah, I was thisclose to stalking him), and any guy who loves Montana gets an ‘A’ in my book.

So Conan, from one awkward person to another, thank you. Thank you for making me laugh all these years and for being such a stand-up guy. You deserve better than what NBC is willing to give you, and I hope — for my sake, more than yours, really — that you land on your feet when it’s all said and done. But I know you will, so there’s no need for goodbyes. See you in September.

A man with wit and class? This is why I will love you, Conan, forever and ever. Amen.

I’ve been a fan of Conan O’Brien for more than a decade, ever since I started watching  “Late Nite” as a 12-year-old insomniac. For a few years, I even had an alarm set on my Timex to go off as soon as his show started to ensure I wouldn’t miss it. Yes, that’s how devoted I was. I mean, what kind of crazy person wouldn’t want to watch such comedic genius as “The Year 2000” and “The Men Without Hats Conversation Channel”?

I love you, Conan!! (NBC photo)

Now, I admit I haven’t been quite as committed to Conan in the past few years, mainly because my newspaper night shifts interfered. And I only occasionally watch him on “The Tonight Show” because my aforementioned insomnia requires me to hop in bed to read myself to sleep a couple of hours before my actual bedtime.

Despite my wavering commitment, I’d like to say two words to NBC and Jay Leno for giving Conan the boot from his current time slot: Suck it. Hard. (OK, I added a third word after the fact, because I’m just that angry.)

How anyone could possibly think Jay Leno is funny continues to be one of Life’s Great Mysteries, and the fact that NBC gave him a primetime show so he can make those idiotic statements he calls “jokes” was asinine. Because Jay Leno is not funny. He’s incredibly lame, actually. His jokes are so stale and predictable that a 2-year-old could guess the punch lines and probably be too smart to find them amusing.

Or maybe he is funny, and I’m just bitter because he’s built a career around making fun of copy editors’ unfortunate mistakes. (As if the newspaper industry doesn’t already have it bad enough. Thanks a lot, asshole.)

Whether he’s funny or not, the network is now rewarding his poor ratings by moving him back to Conan’s hard-earned spot. (Well, they’re actually scrambling to save their asses, but same diff.) Granted, he’ll only have half an hour to jack-ass about, but that doesn’t change the fact that NBC agreed five years ago that Conan would replace him. Seriously, Jay, five years wasn’t long enough for that to sink in? (“For Mr. Leno, who made no secret that he was unhappy about being moved from ‘The Tonight Show,’ the change represents something of a vindication …” reports the NYT.) How about you do us all a favor: stop being the Brett Favre of late-night TV, go put on your leather jacket and play with your cars and motorcycles, OK?

If only NBC didn’t have “30 Rock” and the Winter Olympics, because I’d boycott their once-uncrappy network altogether, save Conan, if he stays. But I hope he tells them to eff off and heads to FOX or somewhere else. Why? Because he — and America — deserve better. That’s why.