15 Jan
Well, the results are in! Shockingly, the majority of you think I have some issues regarding my passionate tirade against Oxford comma abuse:
(48 percent translates to “the majority” in Squirrel Math.)
But, the joke’s on you, because I already knew that! HA!
But really, I’m just glad the choice of the die-hard Oxford commanistas came in last, and that I likely swayed .01 percent of them over to the good guys’ side. Perhaps there is hope for the English language after all!
12 Jan
I don’t play Apples to Apples often. Whenever Zach and I go to a get-together involving party games, I have to warn the host that if we play it, my husband will literally flip the f*ck out.
This weekend, I went over to some friends’ house for sushi and games, sans-Zach. Of course, one of the first options everyone wanted to play was Apples to Apples, because it’s America’s favorite party game, and what kind of psycho doesn’t like it, anyway?
It’s a damn shame I don’t get to play it more often, because I’m awesome at it. I can use my Jedi mind-trickery to persuade just about anyone to pick just about any combination, no matter how absurd. Even though I was a bit rusty, my green cards quickly piled up, and I was declared the victor. Everyone found this quite touching because of the aforementioned psycho-husband-fun-hater thing.
OK. So it was Apples to Apples Junior. Up to a third of my competitors may or may not have been adorable children.
And it’s possible that at one point, I tricked convinced an 8-year-old girl that she should pick “horrific surprise party.” Because what if you don’t really like surprises and you went to a surprise party and the surprise gave you a heart attack and you DIED? Horrific, indeed.
But I also convinced a grown-ass man to pick “quick hamburger,” which really required me to ramp up my persuasion prowess. It was between that and “horse,” the more logical option, clearly. But if you order one of the most popular options at a McDonald’s drive-thru, what are you going to get? That’s right: a quick hamburger. Booya.
And then I just got damn lucky with my winning card. My friends’ 9-year-old son drew “best” for the green card, and the stars aligned, as I had “Legos” in my hand. I admit, I was sweating bullets as he weighed my card against “bacon.”
I quietly celebrated my victory with an inconspicuous fist pump and subtle “YESSSSSSSS!” Everyone was truly happy for me.
The 8-year-old, whose four green cards also had her on the verge of victory, seemed only mildly disappointed. I’m pretty sure she didn’t cry herself to sleep. Pretty sure.
27 Dec
Since “How I Met Your Mother” is going for the record for longest MacGuffin in history, and because this season in particular has moved so, so painfully slow, and because I watched a lot of episodes on Netflix while home sick … I’ve developed an epic prediction for what the final scene of the show will entail.
Fans will recall the season 7 episode “No Pressure,” in which Ted declares his love for Robin
A-GAIN, and she shoots him down A-GAIN (seriously Ted, is she really that hot?).
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“Wobiiiiiiiin! I wuv youuuuuu! Why don’t you wuv meeeeeeeeee?”
(I mockingly say this as if I didn’t bawl my eyes out during this episode.)
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We also learn in that episode that Lily and Marshall have been placing “long-term bets” with each other. In one, Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won’t end up together.
A series of flashbacks ensues — Ted getting engaged to Stella, Marshall and Lily driving to Ted and Stella’s wedding, Marshall and Lily at Ted and Stella’s wedding before Stella leaves Ted for Karate Guy — in which Lily asks Marshall to pay up, and Marshall always replies “not yet …”
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Not yet …
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Fast-forward back to the current episode, which seemingly ends with Ted declaring once and for all that he’s “over Robin” (uh huh …). Lily asks Marshall to pay up, and he still replies “not yet …”
So, based on that, here’s my prediction for how the final scene will play out:
The scene will unfold at Ted and The Mother ‘s wedding reception, during which they will clearly be so head-over-heals in love with each other, leaving Ted to be all like “Robin WHO?”
It’ll cut to Marshall and Lily sitting at a table, and Lily will ask Marshall to pay up. Marshall will shrug and … hand over the 20 bucks. Finally.
BAM! Mind blown, right?! Oh man, I’m tearing up just thinking about it!
And I swear, if this actually does happen, but Marshall still replies “not yet … ”
I. WILL. LOSE IT.
Seriously, I will. If this show ends with even the tiniest sliver of a chance that Ted still wants to end up with Robin, EVEN THOUGH HE’S FINALLY MET THE DAMN MOTHER AND SHE’S EVERYTHING HE EVER DREAMED OF, I will revolt. REVOLT.
I imagine many HIMYM fans also feel strongly about this. Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, I hope you’re paying attention.
11 Dec
Oxford comma-nistas around the world are having a heyday over a recent push alert sent by Sky News, which they believe is the end-all, be-all argument in favor of their precious punctuation mark.
Now, let’s be clear: The Oxford comma is necessary in this “sentence” as it’s written. Obviously, there are some pretty serious implications without it. However, this whole “sentence,” if you can even call it that, could be rewritten for clarity, and we would not have been subjected to all this nonsense in the first place. The Oxford comma-nistas would never suggest that though!
See, the purpose of a comma when used in a list is to replace the word “and.” When you use an Oxford comma in a list of three or more items, it’s redundant. You’re essentially writing “and and.” And that’s just silly.
Let me spell it out for you using another famed Oxford comma-nista example: Instead of saying “We invited the strippers and JFK and Stalin,” you substitute “and” with commas. “We invited the strippers, JFK, and Stalin.”
See how I used the Oxford comma there? Because it’s necessary for clarity. Without it, one could infer the writer is saying JFK and Stalin are strippers. Better yet, you could just rewrite the sentence to read “We invited JFK, the strippers and Stalin.” Because what kind of red-blooded American puts strippers before JFK, anyway?
(JFK. JFK may have put strippers before himself.)
I’m certainly not for an outright ban of the Oxford comma. I just ask that people tasked with the glorious responsibility of writing sentences pause to think about whether it’s necessary instead of blindly inserting it. Because if you can’t make that distinction, do you really have any business writing sentences in the first place? Especially those involving world leaders and strippers.
I mean, have you been on the Internet lately? Couldn’t we all benefit from everyone taking a moment to consider whether their sentences could be written more clearly?
And Oxford comma-nistas, let me ask you: With the current state of the English language, do you really want more people paying less attention to appropriate punctuation use? Do you want society to inflict upon your precious comma the same fate that has befallen the poor semi-colon? Just scattering it throughout sentences from time to time, showing no courtesy for its intended use? Do you really have so little respect for a punctuation mark you claim to love? HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?!
If you continue your misguided crusade, before you know it all the written word will consist of is emoticons and Oxford commas:
, 
, 
, and 
. LOL!
So, knowing what the future holds, do you still want to continue on your quest? Let’s take a quick poll:
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If your answer is still yes, fine. But just know you’ll be on the wrong side of history.
20 Jun
Today at work, I received this email that was auto-generated from a message someone submitted on our website:
Which is without a doubt based on this Andy Samberg skit from SNL, of which I am a big fan:
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It’s pretty much the best email sent. Ever. And of course, I wanted to know who the delightful individual behind it is. So I emailed the submitted address (though I had my doubts):
Alas, as I suspected, this is the only reply I received:
I thought maybe I could call the number listed, which includes the Hollywood area code. But then I saw the next three numbers are 555, which, of course, is what starts any “fake” number on TV and in movies. Sigh.
Will we ever know who this remarkable human being is? Odds are probably not.
But perhaps, in the distant future … our paths will cross, and we’ll lock eyes … we’ll both know that it’s time … to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Squirrel Thoughts 