Posts Tagged ‘food’

19 photos I couldn’t bear to delete to make room for the iOS8 update

Apple released the latest iOS update for iPhone today. And, in what may be the firstest of First World Problems, it has everyone complaining about how much storage space is needed to download it. This means deleting a lot of useless apps and selfie duplicates.

Because I’m currently unemployed, I had a lot of time to really comb through my photos and only keep those nearest and dearest to my heart. Here are 19 I just couldn’t bear to part with.

1. This photo of me standing in front of a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s in a snowstorm

BOB'S

We’ve all done it.

***

2. This photo of Pancake in which it looks like she doesn’t have ears

Pancake no ears

We did not chop off her ears, I swear. She still has them. We are not bunny abusers. Please don’t report us to animal control.

***

3. This photo of a squirrel-shaped nutcracker

Nutcracker

If you’re cracking your nuts with anything else … you’re doing it wrong.

***

4. This photo of me holding what I assume is a life-sized replica of Chewbacca as a baby

Chewie

If my child’s head is this big, she’ll be living in my uterus indefinitely.

***

5. This photo of the face I made after getting the World’s Worst Haircut

Bad haircut

It kind of made me look like Toad from Super Mario. Or a literal squire.

***

6. This photo of when we met The Great Pumpkin

Giant pumpkin

It was, like, really big.

***

7. This photo of when I made latkes because I like to pretend I’m Jewish around Hanukkah

Latkes

The smell also lasted much longer than anticipated.

***

8. This photo of the time I totally nailed a Pinterest recipe

Pinterest fail

If someone tries to feed you food that looks like this, do not eat it. I repeat: DO NOT EAT IT.

***

9. This photo of Zach pretending to get stabbed in the eye with a dart

Dart

He kind of looks like he’s enjoying it …

***

10. This photo of a guy on the sidewalk dressed up as a giant bottle of shampoo

Shampoo

I just really admired his enthusiasm.

***

11. This photo of the time I spilled pho on my pants at lunch

Pho

If I don’t document these memories, who will?

***

12. This photo of blatant desecration of religious symbols in the workplace

Religious discrimination

For those of you who also like to discriminate against “other” religions, this is a menorah and a miniature Festivus pole.

It’s like this newsroom has never even heard of the First Amendment.

***

13. This photo of a lawn gnome a business donated to be a prize in an Easter egg hunt I used to plan

Gnome

 You would not believe the knock-down-drag-out that ensued between two fifth-graders battling over this coveted creature.

***

14. This photo demonstrating that many people do not understand appropriate use of quotation marks

Quotes

Sooooooo … can I get some Fanta or not?

***

15. This photo of a guy on the sidewalk dressed as a Big Blue Blob

Blue guy

WARNING: If you are dressed up as anything — literally, anything — in public, I will stop and take your photo.

***

16. This photo of a delicious lobster dinner I enjoyed back in March

Lobster

Back off. It could be the last one I ever get.

***

17. This photo of a cardboard cutout of my childhood hero, Scruff McGruff (Chicago, Illinois, 60652)

McGruff

He’s the only thing that kept me from pursuing a life of hard crime.

***

18. This photo I took of Pancake in which she looks completely hammered

Drunk Pancake

Jesus. It’s like I want someone to call animal control on us.

***

19. This photo of me touching the World’s Largest Purple Spoon (maybe)

Spoon

I think they’re selling themselves short. This is probably the World’s Largest Purple Spoon, at least.

 

I suppose now that these images will live in perpetuity on the Internet, I can delete them from my phone. The emotional toll still might be too much though. Better play it safe and keep them this round.

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Unemployment, Day 11

Or Day 9. Or 6. I don’t really even know what day of the week it is. Monday? Thursday? Some weird in-between day only jobless people know about, called Schlermday? Sure. Maybe every day will just be Schlermday for now.

(I just Googled “schlerm” to make sure it doesn’t mean something completely inappropriate. According to Urban Dictionary, it means “a permed mullet.” So clearly I’m sticking with it.)

We moved back to Missoula about a week ago so Zach could start his new job. I, on the other hand, am gainfully unemployed at the moment. I’ve had some good leads and done a few interviews, but I’m still waiting for news on those.

This is the first time since I graduated college seven-plus years ago that I just haven’t had a job, so I’m feeling a bit anxious with all this free time, which somehow pays worse than journalism.

But, I’m also finding a lot of time to work in my daily cheese consumption. And I get to wear comfy (and sexy!) high-waisted maternity leggings all day. And I am super on top of all my Facebook notifications. So it’s not all bad. I’m sure something will work out soon …

Unemployment

Squirrel Tips: The only cure for hiccups you’ll ever need

I have decided to embark on a new series here on Squirrel Thoughts in which I share some quirky tips that will undoubtedly improve all your lives by at least three-fold.

(I’m going with that measurement because I’m not entirely sure what “three-fold” means, and I figure it’s probably pretty hard to measure life improvement by it, so no one can blame me later if my tips don’t work for them. This should head off any angry commenters saying their lives only improved by one- or two-fold, at most.)

(Also, I’ve only come up with two tips so far, so this series might only run once a decade.)

So here it is, my first Squirrel Tip … The Cure for Hiccups that Never Fails: peanut butter.

Peanut butter

Yep. Next time you have the hiccups and are within arm’s reach of a jar of peanut butter, just scoop out a big ol’ spoonful and eat it. Simple as that. Your hiccups will be gone momentarily.

Crazy, right? All this time, you’ve been holding your breath until you passed out or balancing upside-down on a chair while sipping water through a corrugated straw to try to rid yourself of those pesky hiccups. Well, your days of looking absolutely ridiculous are over!*

*In this scenario. I can’t help you with the rest of your life. I’m not a miracle-worker, folks.

 

My mom used this remedy on my brother and me when we were kids. Lucky us, huh? Can you think of a more delicious medicine than peanut butter? Sure beats Children’s Tylenol, aka that Nasty Grape-Flavored Chalk Crap. Anytime I got the hiccups, I’d get all giddy and run toward the kitchen, grab a spoon and a chair because I am was still too short to reach anything in the cupboard otherwise, and get me a big ol’ spoonful of the good stuff. I fantasized about discovering a way to purposely cause the hiccups, because being a grubby little ragamuffin eating spoonfuls of peanut butter is pretty much as good as it gets. That’s living the dream right there, kids.

Anyway, because of this, I grew up assuming this cure was common knowledge. But whenever I mention it to someone currently afflicted by the little annoyance, they look at me like I’ve grown a second nose. And if you Google “cure for hiccups,” you’ll get all sorts of nonsensical remedies in the results, but peanut butter rarely pops up.

Well, search no more, loyal Squirrel Thoughts readers! Now all you have to do is keep a jar of peanut butter in your purse or wallet at all times, and the The Cure for Hiccups that Never Fails will always be within reach. Hic-hic-hooray!

This badger clearly has the hiccups. Why else would he be eating peanut butter?

This badger clearly has the hiccups. Why else would he be eating peanut butter?

Images: Wikimedia Commons

The Year of The Lobster

Guys, I can see into my future. And it is decidedly lobster-less.

no-lobster

See, around the time my mom was my age (28 5/6ths), she discovered she could no longer eat lobster. Every time she tried, it made her sick. After a few more go-rounds, she was forced to give up eating the delicious crustacean for good, and hasn’t had a bite since.

(It wasn’t until 15 years later, when she had an allergic reaction during a blood draw, that she identified the culprit: iodine.)

Though I’ve inherited many traits from my mother, I’d hoped I could escape this one. When I later learned that her mother also discovered the same tragic affliction in her late 20s and has lived the rest of her 85 years in a lobster-less void, I knew I was doomed.

For me, it’s not really a matter of if  the Curse of the Lobster will strike. It’s simply a matter of when. I can only imagine the horrors that await me once I cross the threshold into lobster-less oblivion.

I have come to terms with my fate, but I’m not going to let lobster get the better of me while I can still help it. I’m going eat every possible bite I can, damn it.

So, in anticipation of the curse’s arrival, I have dubbed 2014 The Year of The Lobster. Every time I have the chance to eat it, I do. Lobster bisque. Lobster mac and cheese. Steamed lobster. Lobster rolls. If lobster’s on the menu, or on sale at the store, its seafoody goodness is headed for my tummy.

Sometimes, we go out to dinner and accidentally order too much lobster and have to make lobster omelets the next day. Like with this guy here, whose deliciousness was only exceeded by its hefty price tag (which we paid for with the winnings from Zach’s March Madness bracket championship.) (He really, really wanted me to mention that.)

Lobster

Note: No one needs a whole pound of lobster. It’s a trick because restaurants workers enjoy seeing your eyes bug out of your head when you find out what the market price really is.

 

It’s never the most frugal option on the menu, but I have no choice. I must enjoy each succulent morsel of lobster while I can. Because I know one day, probably not too long from now, one of those morsels will be my last.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Congratulations. This is, quite possibly, the whitest white person problem ever.)

QUIZ: Are you hungry?

Hungry hippo

Guys, since Buzzfeed has proven that we all need the Internet to make even our most basic life decisions, I created an awesome quiz for you that will help answer this always-pressing question. But since I either can’t figure out how to embed it in this post, or have not been deemed worthy of such privileges by the almighty WordPress gods, you’ll have to click here to take it. Report back with your result!

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