Archive for the ‘Life and Such’ Category

17 Apr

Goodbye, my Jetta

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me, Life and Such.

Last Friday, after a week of suspense following her untimely encounter with a crazy-ass, uninsured drunk driver, I had to say goodbye to my beloved Jetta.

It was a bit emotional, I’m not gonna lie. Sure, she may have had a few flaws, but when you’re with the same car for seven years, you get a little attached, imperfections and all.

Now, in times like this, we could choose to wallow in our sorrows and dwell on the tragedy that befell our dear, sweet Jetta. But let’s try to remember the good times instead.

Like when she couldn’t ford an inch-deep creek without bottoming out and losing half her front bumper.

Or her infamous malfunctioning-alarm stage, which convinced everyone on my block that I was a certified psychopath.

Or the time she broke down on the way back to Great Falls from Missoula, and I had to take a Greyhound home, using what little change I could scrounge up to haggle for bus station bananas because no restaurants in the podunk towns along the way accepted debit cards.

OK, so it turns out she actually kind of sucked. Nevertheless, she will live in perpetuity, thanks to:

a) Google Street View

2) The fact that the accident happened on a Sunday/holiday/slow news day, and the local NBC affiliate had nothing better to report on.

Rest in peace, dear Jetta. Rest in peace.

5 Jan

A funny thing happened on the way home from sushi

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Life and Such. Tagged: .

Last Thursday, Zach and I went out for dollar sushi at the place around the corner from our house.

We both ordered our usual: miso soup, some maki and nagiri, plus a few glasses of wine and Japanese beer. It was a completely normal dinner — we chatted about our day, laughed at each others jokes, poked each other with chopsticks, said hi to a friend of Zach’s we saw. No one acted odd or seemed nervous at all. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Zach paid our bill, and we got up to leave. We walked around the corner, back toward our place. We continued to chat like no life-changing moments were about to occur. “I should go to Barnes & Noble and get a new calendar later tonight,” I thought to myself.

Then, out of no where, Zach said, “Hey, I forgot one of your Christmas presents.”

“Huh?”

“I forgot one of your Christmas presents.”

I turned to look at him. He got down on one knee and pulled out a ring box.

“Allison, will you marry me?”

My response?

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” (repeat for at least 30 more seconds). Then an emphatic “OF COURSE!”

See, I was not expecting him to propose at this moment. Christmas morning? Yeah, I thought about it then. The impending New Year’s Eve celebration? Sure, why not?

But walking home from an ordinary dinner on an  ordinary night, having an ordinary conversation? It completely took me by surprise.

And it was absolutely perfect.

21 May

Squirrel Confession: I’m actually scared to death of the Rapture

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Life and Such.

And that’s the reason I’m making fun of it every chance I get: to ease my own anxiety. I’m actually terrified all those crazy Christian nutjobs are right and we’re all going to be swallowed up by fire and brimstone. Because Lord knows, I’m not getting Raptured. And I would be seriously pissed if I’ve been wrong this whole time. I do NOT like to be wrong.

But unless Jesus goes for a Hail Mary at the end of the day, I think we’re going to be fine. Now I just have to get through 2012.

3 May

Put the razor down. Now.

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me, Life and Such.

Last night, a pretty epic Beardpocalypse went down when, after weeks of threatening, Will Ferrell shaved off Conan’s beard on his show. After more than a year with his scraggly addition, Conan’s back to the baby-faced self to which most fans are accustomed.

And I have to admit, I’m a little uncomfortable with it.

For some reason, men shaving off their facial hair really freaks me out.

If this guy shaves, I’m going to LOSE it.

Well, I know the reason, actually. When I was 4 or 5 years old, my mom, after years of begging, finally persuaded my dad to shave off his Ned Flanders-style mustache. But when he first came out of the bathroom to show everyone, I started bawling uncontrollably because I didn’t recognize the “mean man who kind of looks like daddy but isn’t and NO THAT’S NOT MY DADDY WHERE IS MY DADDY?!??!!?!”

From that moment, I couldn’t look at my dad without bursting into tears, and he had to regrow the mustache in order to have a somewhat normal relationship with his daughter. He didn’t shave it off again until I was 17.

Apparently, this incident scarred me for life, because I’ve had a weird issue about men changing their facial hair ever since. It doesn’t have to be someone I’m particularly close to: One time a co-worker, who had sported a beard/mustache combo the entire time I worked with him, walked into the office bare-faced. I did a double-take and shrieked “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!?” at him, in front of everyone. He did not appreciate it.

I thought I’d grown out of it a few months ago when Zach shaved off the tiny bit of goatee remaining on his chin, as I only exclaimed — rather than shrieked — those same words to him. But the Conan incident has me thinking I may never fully recover.

Basically, if you’re a male capable of growing facial hair who might cross paths with me someday, I advise against growing a fu manchu or jackass porn-star-looking mustache. Unless you want me to ask you what’s wrong with your face, you’ll need to sport it for a while.

24 Apr

Easter egg hunts = humanity at its worst

Posted by Allison | Squirrel Thoughts in Funny Things That Happen To Me, Life and Such, Politics/Society/Seriouser Stuff, Rants/Tips, Squirrels/bunnies/mascots. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Probably because you pushed him down, you little shit.

“I’m gonna push people out of the way and run over them.”

That’s what a 5-year-old at the egg hunt I planned said to a newspaper reporter yesterday. Apparently, these are the sorts of values I’m instilling in our young people by putting on this event.

I mean, I’m not really into the whole Jesus thing, but I’m pretty sure “pushing people out of the way” and “running them over” weren’t what he had in mind when he sacrificed himself for the good of  the order, or whatever.

And it’s not just the kids who have this mindset at the Eggstravaganza. Many of the parents aren’t afraid to block or push other kids out of the way just so their offspring have a better shot at getting some crappy Easter stickers and diabetes-inducing candy (and, some years, inappropriate tattoos). And apparently, before I took the helm, organizers would put the bike-winning coupons in special gold and silver eggs easily distinguishable from the rest of the field, and — I swear I’m not making this up — some parents would bring binoculars so they could spot these special eggs beforehand and tell their kid where to run.

Simply put, mass Easter egg hunts bring out the worst in humanity.

As you can imagine, this incites some conflicting feelings for me. On the one hand, I’m indoctrinating America’s future with the values of greed and selfishness. On the other hand, it pays the bills. (And hey, at least a convicted sex offender wasn’t arrested at MY egg hunt …)

Fortunately, yesterday’s event was the last that will cause this crisis of conscience plaguing my mind. That’s right, I have  a new job! Well, sort of. One of my co-workers is retiring, and I’m transitioning into her strictly writing/editing position that involves only minimal participation in events. We’ll hire someone else to replace me, and I’ll transfer this crisis onto that poor unsuspecting soul.

I hope whoever that is has the best Easter of their life this year, because it’s going to be a long, loooooong time before they enjoy it again.

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