Squirrel Thoughts

Things in America are still a bit rough these days. Political hissy fits gridlock is preventing any progress in Washington. Chris Brown is apparently living with one of those tiara toddlers from that TLC show. (So, uh, yeah … I don’t really follow celebrity news …)

But if there’s one thing that can hold this country together, it’s … Sky Mall. Available coast to coast, it’s been marketing absolutely ridiculous products that we all secretly kind of want to buy for more than two decades. For instance, no matter how you feel about marriage equality, we can all agree that anyone, gay or straight, is going to rocket up the coolness scale once people see them wearing this sweet UpRight Sleeper on a plane:

I had the privilege of perusing the lastest version of Sky Mall on a recent flight, and I have to say, they’ve really raised the bar. Let’s dive right in.

First up, the pet category. (Before we get started here, I would like to reiterate my belief that pets are not, in fact, people. It’s kind of radical, but it’s what I truly believe, deep down inside. Don’t get me wrong – I love our Pancakey Fwuff Puff more than words can say, but she simply does not possess the cognitive abilities nor the capacity to feel emotions the same way humans do.  If you happen to think that pets are people, then the following commentary may offend you. And I’m not really sorry.)

Of course, if you’re going to own a pet, then you’re responsible for providing its basic needs, and it deserves your love and affection, as any living creature, except a snake, does. But Sky Mall is pushing it too far. Case in point: The Urban Vogue Pet Stroller.

This is not OK.

Isn’t going on a walk one of the main highlights of a dog’s life? What kind of dog just wants to cruise around in a stroller instead of exploring on his own four feet? A sissy dog, that’s what kind. And if you’re currently raising a sissy dog, then just do all dogs and humans a favor and stop. Find someone else who’s willing to take the damn thing on a real walk.

Also, I noticed there seems to be a typo in the description for the Urban Vogue Pet Stroller on the Sky Mall website. It currently reads: “The Urban Vogue Pet Stroller is a great item to take your pet outdoors and look great while you’re doing it.” I made some calls and confirmed that it actually should read: The Urban Vogue Pet Stroller is a great item to take your pet outdoors and look really, really douchey while you’re doing it.” Sky Mall regrets the error.

On that same note, Sky Mall also offers the Poochie Pants Denim Outfit:

Apparently the Poochie Pants Denim Outfit is so incredibly lame that they couldn’t even find a real dog to model it. So don’t buy it and expect your real dog to wear it. And if you do, for the love of beans, don’t pay $55.99 for it.

Next up, arguably the best division of Sky Mall: lawn decor! Basically, if you want to have the most stylish yard on the block, just buy all your outdoor figurines from Sky Mall. Imagine the conversations a collection like this would spark at your  next barbecue! Let’s start with the classics:

There’s the Super Wiener Garden Statue:

Life-like, isn’t he?

The Zombie of Montclair Moors:

“Help! I’ve been trapped in Sky Mall for seven years!”

“Bigfoot the Garden Yeti” Statue:

Whose success I assume inspired the “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti” tree sculpture:

“Pssst … tell anyone I actually exist and I will eat your family, including the dog you roll around in that stupid stroller. BTW, you look like a real d-bag when you do that.”

As well as the “Bigfoot Holiday Yeti” ornament:

“God damn it, kids! Come help me with these lights!”

Then there’s the totally-normal-not-weird-at-all-to-put-in-your-yard “Peeing Boy of Brussels” Statue and Fountain:

And now, the recent  (to me, anyway) additions that are destined to become best-sellers:

First up, we have Roswell the Alien Sculpture:

If a naked alien sculpture doesn’t get people to go to your party, nothing will. (Side note: Why is that we imagine aliens possessing the technology to fly light years to another planet, but they somehow haven’t invented clothes yet? They probably deserve a little credit.)

And don’t forget the flying saucer he arrived in!

Up next, the Velociraptor Dinosaur Statue:

Yours for a cool $2,250.

Later, when people start to question whether your velociraptor is real (trust me, you will get questions), you can tell them that, sadly, Henry died while courageously fighting in the Great Raptors vs. Robots Battle of 2013. But, fortunately, his bones are still intact in the backyard:

Poor Henry. He never really had a chance against the robots.

Then there’s my personal fave (natch), the Squirrel Bike Messanger Statue:

Don’t let the fact that the squirrel can’t peddle make you doubt its authenticity.

And finally, we’ll end our not-even-close-to-complete tour of Sky Mall’s inventory in what I suppose would fall under the “miscellaneous” category, with the, uh, “Biffy Bag” … aka portable toilet:

According to the description, “this handy disposable toilet is completely sanitary, and small enough to carry in your purse, pack or glove compartment. The three-layer leak and puncture proof bag ties comfortably around your waist, and the absorbent Biffy powder formula engulfs waste, solidifies liquids, and creates an immediate seal to neutralize odor 4,000 times better than a regular garbage bag.”

Look, I live in Montana. It’s not exactly an urban metropolis with a bathroom around every corner. I understand circumstances arise in which perfectly normal people need to “pop a squat.” You’re out hiking and nature calls, etc. I’ve been there. I get it. But just quietly excuse yourself, hide behind a tree and be done with it. Please don’t carry it around in a bag afterward. No matter what your political views are, surely we can all agree on that.