Squirrel Thoughts

It’s OK. Only everyone here saw.

Hey, you. Yeah, you. The one who just struck out for the third time in your podunk intramural league softball game. I feel your pain. Back in the day, circa 1995-97, I was just as non-awesome at softball as you are. Like, I was really, really bad. I was (am) scared of the ball, and I don’t like doing things I suck at. But my parents wouldn’t let me quit the team, because apparently doing something you suck at over and over again builds character.

It’s clear you’re also not playing because you’re good at it, so I’m sure you have a similarly ridiculous reason for continuing to embarrass yourself (your buddy’s team needed more girls to avert a last-minute forfeit, most likely).

But I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to suck this bad. There is another way. And you seem nice enough, so I’m going to let you in on a little secret that will solve all your softball-related woes: The Allison Squires Method for Sucking Slightly Less at Softball. Yes, you heard that right — The Allison Squires Method for Sucking Slightly Less at Softball.

The Allison Squires Method for Sucking Slightly Less at Softball guarantees to bring your strike-out percentage down to 90 percent, if not better. And you know it’s not a scam, because a person has used it with unwavering success. And because it’s on the Internet.

I promise you right now that if you employ the following three tactics in your next game, your days of being known as “The Absolute Last Girl On The List To Call And Hey Wait Charlie’s Kinda Small So Maybe We Can Dress Him Up To Look Like A Chick Instead Oh Wait We Already Tried That And Got Disqualified So Yeah Call Her” will be over:

a) Be really short (under 5 feet, ideally) and crouch your elbows really close to your knees, so your strike zone is as small as possible. This throws the pitcher off, and you’ll have a good shot at getting walked without having to swing the bat once. This has worked for me at least four times. I like to call it “Crouching Squirrel, Hidden Strike Zone.”

2) Bunt. Bunting gets a bad rap because it’s actually pretty lame, so I want to share a little story with you: When I moved up to the 14-and-under league, I was still really awful and always batted last. Plus, I was on a really good team (Western States Insurance: 1997 Helena City Champs! What what! Wait … I sat on the bench for the whole tournament). This only magnified my lack of raw skill and talent.

But one time, the game was on the line, and I was up to bat. There was a runner somewhere on one of the bases. I think. I wasn’t really paying attention. That may have been another factor contributing to my suckiness.

Anyway, I was up to bat, and the coach — who had clown hair and whose intensity far surpassed that required to lead a team of rag-tag middle-schoolers — told me to bunt. So I did, not realizing it was basically to advance the runner, not to get me on base. But the other team was so shocked that I actually made contact with the ball that they couldn’t react in time to throw me out, and the ump called me safe.

Now, the details of what happened next are kind of fuzzy, but I’m pretty sure that my little bunt maneuver won the game for the team, and everyone lifted me over their heads and carried me around the field. It was my one shining moment in kiddie softball. Just like Rudy, but way cooler, because it was me.

(Ironically, my parents — who had attended every single other softball game I played, just to watch me strike out and cower in fear whenever a pop fly headed my way — missed this one.)

I can’t guarantee bunting will work for you, because that I managed to do it successfully that time was pure luck. In fact, my coach told me to do the same thing in the next game, and I struck out. Have you ever seen anyone strike out by bunting? It’s truly shameful. But hey, let’s not pretend you’re not already making an ass out of yourself. What do you have to lose?

d) When all else fails, take advantage of the third-strike drop rule. As in, if the catcher drops the ball on your third strike, you’re technically allowed to make a run for first base. A lot of people don’t know about this rule because it’s rarely invoked in leagues for people 6 and older. But rest assured that 20 percent of the time, it works all the time.

Now, because I truly believe in The Allison Squires Method For Sucking Slightly Less at Softball (and since the rest of us just can’t bear to watch you do this to yourself anymore), I’m going to let you use it, free of charge. You can call and thank me from first base.